Our oldest daughter and I are very similar in most ways; appearance, personality traits, mannerisms, and especially emotionally. In meaningful and difficult conversations, we both shrivel up into a blubbering mess of tears and half sobs trying to get our feelings out (anyone else like this? no? oh, okay – hahha). So we have used a different method of communication to help us maintain those open lines of conversation even though we both struggle with saying the things we mean when we have a lot of emotion invested in them.
Our Shared Notebook
A few years ago when my daughter was about eight, she and I designated a medium-sized lined paper notebook as our shared writing journal. We had been finding ourselves in argument after argument and couldn’t quite get them settled because we both were finding ourselves feeling unheard through the shouting and sobbing.
So now we have our shared notebook in which we keep a pen tucked inside and we pull it out to write to each other as we feel needed. Once one of us writes a note to the other person, we leave it on their bed to let each other know there is a new entry to read.
The shared notebook gives us an opportunity to get out all the things we need to say without the other person interrupting or our own emotions overcoming us to the point that we aren’t able to clearly communicate what we need to (this is really key for us as we are conversational cryers).
The notes are usually written as a letter “Dear Mom,” or “dear sweetheart,” and we try to remember to include the date so that we know when it was written but also helps when we flip back through our letters to see what we were struggling with at various moments in the past.
We don’t write everyday – often times it has been months between entries, but the shared notebook is always there if we need it. Our current shared notebook has been used for the past three years and we plan to write on all the pages before we get a new one – so we will see how many years it lasts!
What is most important about our shared notebook is that it gives space to each of us (tween and parent) to get out our thoughts and emotions out without the pressure of having to do it face to face. The lines of communication remain open, even if actually saying the words aloud might be cringe-y or overwhelming. We are still talking to each other, even if the talking is through written word.
Not just the tough conversations though!
Our shared notebook doesn’t only include heartfelt, tear-stained pages of our deepest heart’s emotions. We also use the notebook to talk about silly or funny things that have happened. We create little games for each other where ask the other to circle their favorite things (Do you like Peter Kavinsky or John Ambrose better? circle one). And sometimes we draw silly pictures and doodle to go along with our letters to each other.
I didn’t want the shared notebook on her bed to automatically herald, “Oh no, here comes another written lecture from mom,” but rather a surprise of special attention from mom. It’s particularly hard to get one-on-one time in a big family (even more so when there are baby-babies in the family), so the notebook is little boost of quasi-individual time between us.
It can be fun, silly, serious, or anything in between. The shared notebook belongs to just the two of us and it’s filled with our shared thoughts, wishes, complaints, dreams, figuring-it-out togetherness, and silliness. That’s why the tough conversations can be impactful, because there’s a lot of joy and relationship-building squeezed in beside them too.
Other random perks of a shared notebook
Our oldest daughter struggles with dyslexia and convergence insufficiency, and surprisingly our shared notebook has given her ample opportunities to read and write for extra practice but in a low-risk, safe way. I don’t fix any misspellings or incorrect writing, I just make sure that my letters back are spelled correctly and written in a way that she can read them easily (clear print, sometimes all caps). It has given me a direct peek into things that she is struggling with in her writing – like still flipping B’s & D’s, or leaving out certain blend sounds. I am first hand aware of her academic progress and what is still challenging to her, which has been useful in her 504 plan meetings and when talking with her teachers.
It has also been empowering, especially to our daughter, to be able to look back through the previous conversations and read them together and laugh about how silly some of the worries were. It is a great reminder to ourselves that we went through a hard time but came out the other end. That is a invaluable lesson for young people – that feelings and emotions don’t last forever; you may feel sad, upset, worried, or embarrassed right now – but it will pass and you can get through it (more easily if you are talking it out with a grown up you trust!) It has been enlightening to our daughter to read back through her previous ‘stressors’ to find them silly or trivial now.
One last interesting thing to note, we have discovered trends over the course of our letters together of things that are triggers to our well-being. For example, we have seen the same friend mentioned over the course of time and can now recognize that although we love and cherish this friend, we can’t let their drama become our stress too.
Steps to start a shared notebook with your tween
To start a shared notebook with your tween only takes a little prep and then let it happen naturally:
- Pick a notebook that is the designated shared notebook & keep a pen/pencil inside
- Write a letter/note to your tween and make it light and fun. Include some questions that they can answer so they know what to write back – for example – ask them what movie they would like to see soon – or What was something that annoyed them today (that’s always a good one to get reluctant talkers talking! haha!)
- Leave the notebook on their bed (or somewhere else that it’s obvious they should open it).
- Wait for them to write back OR if several days pass and you don’t get the notebook back. Write them another note and do it all again. Eventually they should get the idea.
- Or you can always just outright explain the idea to them and see how they feel about it.
If they don’t write back, don’t worry about it. The more important part is that their parent is trying to find a way to stay connected and keeping communication open to them. Even just letting them know that there is a shared notebook that if they ever needed to use – it’s there for them. It’s about building that relationship and making sure they know you are there and they can talk to you through writing if they need.
For teachers – a notes box
I think I heard of this shared notebook idea eons ago on Pinterest somewhere before I even had kids. But it stuck in my brain long enough for me to be inspired to set up something like this in my high school classroom. I have tissue box in my room near the pencil sharpener that is labeled “Notes” and I present it to the students at the beginning of the year. I keep it near the pencil sharpener so you can leave a note inconspicuously.
The box is for notes from students that need to tell a grown up something but don’t want to say it to their face. The notes can be anonymous if they want, or they can write their name and I will write a note back to them (secretly of course, slipping my return note under the book during class activities so they are the only ones who see me do it).
I have received hundreds of notes in that box over the course of four years that I have had it available at my current high school. Some notes have been sweet, “I loved that activity today! Thanks for letting us do fun stuff in your class!” to more personal, “I feel like my Dad isn’t proud of me even though I get good grades and I am a starter on the team. It is so frustrating and I feel like I can’t ever be good enough.” to liberating, “I’m working up the courage to tell my mom, but maybe if I tell you first it will be easier? I’m gay!” to serious safety stuff, “I am worried about my friend because she told me that she thinks her boyfriend is going to break up with her unless she goes further with him (ya know, like sexual stuff!!) and I don’t think she wants to but how do I tell her that?!”
My letters have been written from every “group” of kids – the smart kids, the popular kids, the nerdy kids, the kids that are bullied, the kids that bully. I am always so very grateful that the kids trust me with their thoughts and worries. That’s what I am there for as their teacher – yes to teach them, obviously – but also to be a safe adult that they can come to when they feel unsure, worried, scared, or lonely. I often wonder if they have reached out to any other adult besides me – how many of our young people are carrying around these thoughts without a safe place to leave them with an adult? I worry about this all the time.
If the letter warrants safety concerns, I reach out to our guidance counselor, social worker, or administrators as necessary. I always make sure that the student that wrote the letter to me knows that I am requesting back-up to make sure that everyone stays safe and that they did the right thing (and that I will do everything in my power to keep them anonymous – most of the time, that is the biggest worry for young people, they do NOT want to be the one that told).
Simple concepts; powerful tools
Although incredibly simple concepts – the shared notebook (for parents) and the notes box (for teachers) are empowering tools to keep the lines of communication open with the young people we love – and meaningful tools to build strong relationships while wading through difficult waters.
Allison says
I love this!! I feel like I could even use it with my husband to add variety to our conversations, or when the weeks are so busy it’s like we barely even see each other!
tabitha.studer says
yes! Brandon and I have something like this, it’s mostly love letters (Hah) and we leave it under each other’s pillow if we write in it. Definitely good when those blur weeks happen!