I am a wife of an athlete, a parent of athletes, and a former collegiate athlete myself. I have seen my share of heated games, bad calls, and tough losses. But if there is one belief that I hold above all else in sports, it is respect of the refs/umps. You know that saying, “A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.” I believe it is applicable to sports too: “A person that is nice to you but rude to the ref or ump is probably not a nice person.”
And that goes for players, coaches, and fans alike.
Important reminders about refs/umps of non-professional sports:
- Non-professional sporting events (college, high school, and youth leagues) do not hire professional refs/umps.
- The refs/umps are people from your community who either have a really freaking charitable heart or they are working up the ref/ump ladder to earn their way to be able to do games at a higher level.
- These refs/umps have other jobs to make a living; in most cases they just really loved the sport and want to stay connected to it.
- They do not care who wins.
- These refs/umps work dozens of games a season, interacting with hundreds of kids over the course of the season. If you truly believe that a ref/ump “doesn’t like” your child and is targeting them with bad calls (please know I am saying this with love and kindness in my heart), I would encourage you to reflect on the behavior and attitude that you and your player have exhibited toward that ref in the past.
- Your child can not play without a ref or ump.
- Athletic directors and sports board members scramble every season to find people to ref/ump the games so that your child can play at all.
- If refs/umps are not available – games get rescheduled or canceled all together. And surely no game is worse than a couple of bad calls.
- There will always be bad calls (or calls you believed were unfair)
- Even the team that wins thinks that there were some bad calls!
- Guess what, that is true in life too.
- We need to be good models of appropriate behavior to our kids when refs/umps (or LIFE!!) gives you a bad call.
- No amount of shouting at the ref/umps is going to create a positive change in the sporting event.
- Believe me, I know how hard it is to sit quietly while a bad call is made on your baby who is out there sweating and working so hard – I get it momma bears. But making a scene in the stands is turning this event into my story – and this is not my story. This is my child’s story. I am a supporting actor and I will have my time to speak and help support them at home at the kitchen table.
- Making a scene will undeniably pull your child’s attention away from the game they should be focusing on instead. Now your child is mentally managing: their performance in the game but also worrying about you – are you mad or upset? Are you mad or upset at them? Should they be embarrassed or proud? Should they be mad too? Do they make a scene next time too?
- A central New York 3-6 grade basketball league just cancelled the rest of their season because of parents’ bad behavior in the stands and may not allow spectators for future seasons.
- One bad call doesn’t make or break a game.
- Complaining about the refs/umps with your child only teaches him/her to make excuses and feel entitled.
- True competitors take the good and bad calls and move on – they play their game no matter the circumstances.
- The only person who should be talking to the ref/ump is the coach.
- If something is going unfairly, the coach will say something to the ref
- If you really want to say something to the ref, I would suggest you find a way to make it to practices every night, read the rule book, and earn yourself a spot on the bench as an assistant coach.
3 things to say to your child after a game
INSTEAD of complaining about bad calls
- That was a tough one – acknowledge their struggles
- How do you do it? You kept playing even when it’s frustrating – give them a chance to reflect on their own positive choice and talk aloud while you listen
- I love watching you play when you win, but it makes me really proud to see you continue to play when it is tough – reinforce the positive choice so that it can become automatic in all of life’s challenges to come
Do not allow your child to disrespect the ref/ump
A little personal story about why we shut down complaints of refs/umps at our house and why we do not tolerate disrespect from our children/athletes towards the refs /umps.
My husband was/is an incredible athlete. It’s not a matter of opinion. He is talented in a lot of ways, but athlete is always the one that everyone associates with him.
When my husband was a freshman in high school, he was a starter for the varsity basketball team. One game that year, he was playing defense on the other team who was throwing the ball in-bounds. When the opposing player couldn’t throw the ball in-bounds because of my husband’s defending, the opposing player threw the basketball directly into my husband’s face. On purpose! Point blank! to the face!
Most of the crowd gasped, the ball went to the other team again because it was out of bounds after last hitting my husband (IN THE FACE), and the game went on. No whistle was blown, no fouls or technical assigned. The game just continued on.
Do you know what my 15 year old boyfriend did? Clenched his jaw, defended again, stole the ball, and drained a three. Then he ran back to play defense. No complaining and no celebrating. He just played his game, shook hands at the end, and always thanked the refs.
See my husband is a great physical athlete; he is very competitive and his hand-eye coordination is not within normal range. But he is also a great athlete in mental toughness, in recognizing that there is no need to complain or celebrate if you are just going to keep playing your game and prove yourself physically.
So, let’s fast forward to adulthood when my husband is sitting in a final interview in front of a panel of people for a job. A job that he had little experience for but knew he could do if just given the opportunity. One of the panel members tells my husband that he remembers him from many years ago when he was a ref for local basketball games. He goes on to explain to the entire panel of interviewers that my husband was always respectful and decent – even then as a young man. An impression that lasted 15 years with this former ref. A ref that would now help decide if my husband deserved a chance at a job.
Long story short, the panel of interviewers took a chance on him.
Great athletes are more than just great physical athletes
Great athletes also have mental toughness to get through challenges and losses. Great athletes recognize that they are part of a team and they can’t do it all alone. Great athletes are respectful and coachable. Great athletes encourage and help others to be their best.
And quite honestly, you don’t know who your child will need in the future to be successful. We can pretend that all we need is a little hard work and to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps. But that is a myth. Every person is where they are because of the relationships they built and impressions they left along the way.
Teach your child to be nice to the refs and umps and waiters and janitors and bus drivers and teachers and coaches…and all the people.
YOU be nice to all the people too. Because at the end of the day, your kids are watching how you treat people and how you react to challenges.
Be mindful that you are the role model you are hoping to be.
