The urge to shield our kids from the bad stuff happening in the world can be overwhelming. If we can just block it out, switch the station, avoid the hard conversations, and remove the worry, then maybe our kids will be okay?
But, here’s the truth: they know something is going on whether you talk to them about it or not. They overhear adults talking, they sense your level of worry and stress. If we aren’t talking about it with our kids, then they are talking about it with someone else or they are coming up with their own spiraled-out worries. In either case – we will never be able to shield our children from the worries about the bad stuff. BUT, we can create for them space to feel seen and heard and offer them opportunities to take control in the small ways that any of us can.
1. Start where they are
My middle school son came home and asked point blank, “Is World War 3 about to happen or something?” I stopped what I was doing and had an open conversation; I answered his questions, I asked him some questions, and his worries were eased enough that he went off to play with his siblings happily. Then the next day, while the news was on MY mind, I noticed that he was kind of spaced out and seemed worried. So thinking we were both anxious about the same thing, I said, “Do you want to talk about what you’re worried about?” and he said, “Well, it’s just that I have two tests today and I don’t think I’m going to do very well on one of them.”
That’s a perfect example of why it is important to get insight into what it is they are worrying about and how much they know before you get started on your conversation. Sometimes they will just come right out with the big question (like my son did) and sometimes you’ll need to ask them first. A good time to do that would be when you witness them overhear or watch something (the news, social media video, etc). Or, you can ask them if you notice them lost in their own thoughts; clearly unfocused or just not being their normal self.
Some good probing questions include:
- Do you have any questions that you want to ask me?
- Are you feeling worried about anything?
- Have you heard anything about __x__? What do you know about __x__?
Once you hear where they are coming from or what they are worrying about, that can help direct your conversation with them in a way that will be helpful to ease their worries and also give you an opportunity to correct any misinformation they might already have in their minds.
And if what they are worried about has nothing to do with the news that you were anticipating – then know that what they need from you right now is to help them with the worry that they actually have.
So on the morning that my middle schooler was worried about his tests (even though I was stressing about the global news), we talked about the content on the tests and how to manage the day, and that I expect him to just try his best and that we would work together to make sure he is in a better spot for the next time he has a test.
He definitely did not need my anxiety projected on to him about global news when he was off to middle school facing two tests which were a way bigger deal to him in this moment than whatever is happening in the world.
2. Give them the “right amount” of information
You know your kid and what is appropriate for them to hear based on their personality and age. The trick is having the right balance of giving them enough information to not be worried about non-truths or misunderstandings while also not giving them so much information that it overwhelms their mind. You want to answer all the questions they have in a way that will alleviate their concerns without piling on new things to be stressed about.
For very young kids that might mean:
- speaking as simply as: “Yes, there is something happening, but you are safe and I will always do everything I can to keep you safe.”
- Remind them that you always want to hear about when they feel worried
- Have a hug, or snuggle, or hold hands. Physical touch while talking about scary things is important at all ages, but especially with young kids
- Say, “Ask me some questions and I can answer them for you about this.”
For older kids that might mean:
- talking more specifically about places, people, timelines, plans, news headlines, etc
- asking about where they are getting their information (social media? news? friends? teachers/class discussions?), and what is being discussed.
- Make sure you answer all their questions as accurately as you can, or look up information together from reliable sources and discuss your feelings aloud together.
- Make sure to talk to your older child about doom-scrolling to explain to them that knowing what is going on is good, but being completely sucked into something is not healthy.
- Remind them that they are safe and that you will always do whatever you can to keep them safe
.Our minds have a funny way of spiraling out into wild worries (children, teens, and adults alike! Don’t pretend like you’ve never laid in bed at 3am spiraling out in nonsensical worry about random things!) – so make sure you give your child patience and grace when they talk about their worries that might seem outlandish. The way the mind makes connections is unpredictable and vast- so don’t be surprised if your kid is worried about having to enlist in the service even if they are only twelve years old. Address even the outlandish worries with straightforward kindness and you will see your child’s shoulders start to relax.
3. Do something meaningful within your control together
Fred Rogers has said that his mom always pointed out the helpers when something scary or bad happened when he was growing up. I would encourage you to do the same for your kids – point out all the people helping. The world is not full of bad people, on the contrary, I believe if we paid better attention – we’d see that the world is full of mostly good, decent, and compassionate people.
I would even suggest going one step farther than just pointing out the helpers: You can empower your child (and yourself) to be helpers too. That might mean helping directly to the big thing that is happening in a global or national sense, or maybe it just means being kind in your own little part of the world.
| Global Helper Ideas | Local Helper Ideas |
| – financially support aide organizations – collect and donate supplies – donate blood – support makers & creators – share your own talents, resources, or connections to support causes | – do a chore for an elderly neighbor – pick up litter at a local park – thank first responders with a card, cookies, and a donation of water bottles – make a hot meal for a family going through a hard time – volunteer at a local non-profit |
Not only will the physical act of doing something distract you both from your worries, but it will also teach your child that they can control at least some things, even when the world feels out of control. They can influence goodness through their own small actions to make a positive impact, even if in one small way.
This will be a valuable skill to give your child, and one that will serve them for life. It moves them from victim of circumstances to a leader of their own life. Situations might be overwhelming, but is there something we can do to help? or at least help our own mind and soul? We are not the kind of people who throw our hands up and have a pity party – we can do some good, even if it’s just a tiny bit of good.
We are never going to be able to fix all the problems in the world, but with our small acts of kindness, we start a ripple effect that goes well beyond where we might ever know. And in that way, each of us little guys can do something bigger than ourselves.
4. Make sure they know the door is always open
After your first chat, continue to check in with them when new information comes out or they have more questions. Make the time when they approach you with their concerns and worries whenever they might come up – sometimes at what seems to us as random times. Remember how our minds can run away from us in those spirals? The more you talk and show you are available to absorb their worries; the more they will open up to you.
This thing that is happening right now that is big and scary will be resolved and some new thing will takes its place. We live in the roaring ’20s after all, and there has been no shortage of big and scary things to happen in the past few years. And, truthfully, if we are checking our perspective – that has been true for all of history (albeit with a little less rolling headlines on the bottom of your screen with constant updates). And if something big and scary and tragic happens specific to your family (a loved one loss, a diagnosis, a sudden accident) we are immediately brought to awareness of just how big and scary things can be.
This door of communication needs to remain clearly open with your child no matter how big, scary, removed, or directly impacted your family might be to the circumstance. We need to create a space where our child feels heard and safe. Remember that if they aren’t talking to you, they are talking to someone – or (worse!) they are spiraling out with all their thoughts in their own minds. Make it so that no conversation is too hard or taboo.
And if this seems impossible for you, if there are some subjects you are just never going to be able to discuss with your child for whatever reason – that’s okay, I am proud of you for being honest about that.
But know that your child needs to talk to someone – make sure they have someone that loves and trusts them that can speak to about those things that you can’t. That’s why we have our village; aunts, uncles, teachers, coaches, grandparents, cousins, siblings. Gifting your child with the love and listening ears of more than just you is an incredible support too.
5. Take care of YOU
You know that saying, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” that’s pretty true from my experience. So you are going to have to take care of you and your worries to be able to support your child through processing their own anxiety and fear about any given situation.
First, try to be a caretaker of the good in the world. Remember that your input and output all has an impact on your own well being too. The fear that we hold in our momma hearts that we will never be able to protect our babies in this huge, scary world is present – (GIRL, I am right there with you!) – but it was also there for our mothers, and grandmothers, and ancestors throughout time. That feeling will never go away – the world will always feel too big and too scary and too dangerous.
We need to feel empowered that what IS in our control, is the ability to equip our babies with skills, tools, and love to make it out there in that big, scary, dangerous world. We do that by having the tough conversations, giving them opportunities to fail and try again, and loving them through all of the ups, downs, challenges, and victories. The only thing we can control in this life is the way we are there for one another; the way we show love, compassion, and grace.
But hear this: if you need help, please let someone know.
You are loved,
you still have some control,
there is never a maze too big that someone can’t help you find the path out.
Please reach out and let someone know you need a hand.
(I love you. You are valuable in more ways than you will ever realize).
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